Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
