I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.