He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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