YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
