your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
