he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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