There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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