Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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