youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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