my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
