He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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