theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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