Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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