you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.