I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops