Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wat bout pragnant strippers??
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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