Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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