Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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