She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
