Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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