woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
