The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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