he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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