I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
