Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
