Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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