Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
