this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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