Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
