you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
