I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
