I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
