I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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