why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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