is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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