I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
