Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
