I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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