i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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