i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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