I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
