there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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