i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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