Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
