Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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