When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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