Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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