i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
