but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
