I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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