turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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