when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
