I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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