Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
