And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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