No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
