I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
