She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
