I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
