At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
