Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
